You Are Flawless. Everything You Do Is Magic.
Published Apr 2015
Making etiquette part of the equation always fosters better interpersonal relationships and even has the power to minimize hurt to others. But why put your best foot forward? Why go the extra mile to be nice? Take the road less traveled, be an outlier, buck the trend by being the rudest person possible. It’s easy! Please… LIE—TO YOURSELF! Sure you’ve dumped your grumpy ex 5 times already and every time he comes crawling back. You realize he’s the one. Why do the difficult thing and see things as they are, why confront reality and embrace the art of being alone? Just continue to lie to yourself and convince everyone around you (including Mr. Pickles, your cat) it will finally work out. What’s so great is that your friends can get in on the action too. You can talk to them non-stop about how this time things will be different, regale them with shopworn details about your hours long talks, analyze every line of his 30 texts. It’s fun for everyone! Please… DON’T LISTEN! In this day and age, what are you if you’re not a self-centered individual who not only needs constant reassurance from others, but thinks highly of themselves to boot—just to make sure all your bases are covered. So when you meet up with the boys for brunch, keep talking about yourself, find a way to make every point someone else brings up relate to YOUR LIFE, and whatever you do, do not ask questions! Don’t ask why Betty was crying last week at happy hour, don’t ask Zander how his date went last night, forget checking in on Clarence and his broken foot. Don’t do that, because you’re losing focus on what matters: YOU! Please… THROW BIRTHDAY DINNERS AT EXPENSIVE RESTAURANTS AND SPLIT THE CHECK EVENLY! In these thriving economic times, what’s a better way to say you’re having your cake and eating it too than by throwing a birthday dinner at an overpriced restaurant and inviting your friends to pay for it. Then that random co-worker your pals have never met can order 5 martinis, leave early (swearing he will meet you up later), and skip out on the bill. Don’t worry, everyone has his back because the check will be evenly split even though no one asked if that’s okay. Nevermind your bestie only had a watercress salad and a cup of water with lemon. The best part is at the end, after the boys dump their Google wallets out, there’s always a little extra that everyone has to pay because someone forgot to include gratuity (DAMN YOU CLARENCE!). Please… RUIN THE WALKING DEAD! To the victors go the spoilers. Since everyone bailed on your birthday dinner last weekend you decided to camp out in front of Netflix, barrel through the Walking Dead seasons 1-4, head back to work and then ruin it for anyone! Man, you sure did hate that gut wrenching scene where (SPOILER) gets turned, when you thought she wouldn’t. Besides, as long as you say “Sorry, you saw it, right?” after you have been blabbing on for 10 minutes about every miniscule detail it makes it okay. It’s not your fault that that scene was so awesome, but not as good as when the Korean guy died! Ha ha…JUST KIDDING…the sister dies! Please… BE A PRICK WHEN TRYING TO GET NOOKIE! If you’re gay and on Grindr, since you’re letting it all hang out anyway, go for the gusto and insult wide swaths of people you’ve never met. What’s a better way to reward some nice guy who thinks you’re super cute and your intro is witty, than by having him check out your profile and seeing you like every race but his own Asian one. It’s okay, it’s your “preference!” Forget the fact that not every Asian guy looks the same, and besides, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was so confusing… It’s not like you’re smart like Confucius! Please… FORGET ROMANCE! Nothing gets a great date going better than texting your Tindr meet-up that you’re just “5 minutes away” 20 minutes ago. Then when you get to the bar, don’t complicate things—keep your jacket on! The heater is not really cranked up in here anyway. Then even though her wine glass is almost done, get up and grab yourself a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, sit back down, and go, “Oh, sorry. Did you want something? I’ll get it.” But just make sure to ask for some cash because you forgot your wallet at home! Please note though, if you decide to do the opposite of these things and be a thoughtful guy or gal you may see some unintended consequences. You might end up a kind, caring person. And who knows? Clarence may ask you out again.